Oh Closer, baby, it’s been a while. No longer am I up to speed on whose weight has ‘ballooned’ and who has miraculously ‘shed’ the pounds just in time for that PR-orchestrated beach holiday (much of which seems to involve holding one’s stomach in while smiling maniacally at the paparazzi who according to the agreement you were supposed to pretend you didn’t know were there). After an interminable hiatus (which is, incidentally, how I also like to refer to my vagina), it was high time I got back on the low-fat, low-carb gravy train (yeah I’m not sure that makes sense either) to find out what’s been going on in Closerville. And boy, did I learn some stuff. Important stuff. Stuff like:

- Martine McCutcheon really knows how to let her hair down

“A source reveals: ‘Martine usually sticks to a 1,200 calories a day meal plan and has one cheat day a week. She’ll have porridge and a banana for breakfast, then salad with brown rice and quinoa for lunch and a stir-fry for dinner. She’s cut out carbs after lunch and avoids white bread, pasta and dairy – but she lets herself enjoy a white wine spritzer and a piece of dark chocolate in the evenings.’ Be still my beating liver.

- Cheryl has baby envy

Women can never just be happy for one another, can they? What a bunch of pathetic, jealous bitches we are. While Cheryl is reportedly ‘thrilled’ by Kimberly Walsh’s baby news, apparently she’s been left feeling emotional. ‘Seeing her friends settle down only reminds her how far away she is from having her own fairy-tale ending.’ Sure it isn’t you reminding her, Closer?

Cheryl apparently said in 2012 that ‘I know what I was put on this Earth to do – to be a mother.’ Don’t we all, ladies? HAHA. Amiright?

Ladies? Hello? Anyone?

- Simon Cowell also has a new baby, and seems to have developed amazing breastfeeding abilities

At least, that’s what all the photos of him seem to suggest

- Danielle Lloyd, Pulitzer nominee columnist extraordinaire, has waded into the Becky Adlington nose debate

Because what she really wanted was more patronising ‘we’ve got your back, Becky’ press coverage alluding to her private medical choices. IT’S WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS.

 ‘I’ve had my boobs enlarged and the decision was nobody else’s business’ says Danielle, before blessing us with a before and after photo of her chest. ‘I defend any woman’s right to choose what to do with her body’ she says. Unless of course, you’re Shilpa Shetty, and thus have the audacity to be in possession of a brown one, of course. In which case you’re a ‘dog’ and should ‘fuck off home.’ Such feminism.

NB: Check out this week’s Closer for front-page pictures of Danielle’s extremely private boob job and ‘marriage crisis’.

- TV Presenter Laura Hamilton has the best fridge ever

A frozen treasure chest of cottage cheese, flora and spinach has made Laura Hamilton perhaps the most successful ‘Fridge Raiders’ contestant/victim ever, with Nutritionist Catherine Matthews saying, in what has to be a first, ‘Laura’s diet is spot on.’ Never before have I seen such unreserved praise from the Closer food fascists. Note to self: eat more lean meats.

- MAN TALK

According to male human capable of speech Andrew Hartley, it turns out that men and women can be just friends. Thanks for the heads up, Andrew. This is pegged to ‘rumours’ that Phil and Kirsty are fed up of telling people they’ve never fucked each other. Andrew also says that men don’t always want sex, especially not if you’re wearing mismatched earrings, a look which is described as this week’s ‘Man Repellent.’ So now you know.

- Chicken Tonight still exists, and Closer is saying you should buy it!!

…who knew? Well, now you do. As do I. As does the part of my brain responsible for playing music on a loop. Thanks, Closer.

NEXT WEEK: SPECIAL ‘HIDDEN TORMENT’ ISSUE, FEATURING ‘CHERYL’S LONELY DESPAIR: “I’M TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS.”

AREN’T WE ALL, CHERYL. AREN’T WE ALL.